Every one of us is teetering on the edge of health and "sickness" or life and death every day and every minute. I guess I could say that my life has been living on this precarious edge really since I was diagnosed with the "Big C" 17 years ago. Day to day living was more tangible with surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation, blood transfusions, etc. Then that ended and life carried on and evolved and there was less thought about this delicate balance. Days went on with some challenges but it wasn't so invasive.
In the past year the tangibility of life has come back in full force. One little "slip up" and my life could-and has-changed dramatically. I feel like things have been especially at a precarious and delicate balance since some time last year. Some days it is inspiring to see what I have overcome already and other days it is somewhat depressing to see how these experiences interrupt what I thought life might look like at this point.
When I think about the delicate balance in my body I think of the fact that now I am relying on one lung (Lucky Lung is what he or she goes by these days). Lucky, while fairly good, still has some permanent damage from the mycobacterium infection and some bronchiectasis. If I were to have more damage to this lung, I do not have any backup. And then there's the antibiotics that I have been on for a year and likely will be on another year and maybe beyond. The medicines seem to be working as far as any medical test will show-for now. The scary part is that the bacteria can become antibiotic-resistant or the antibiotics can stop working and where does that leave me? Some of the alternative medicines come with even more scary side effects and risks than what I already have from my current medications.
I try not to dwell too long on the "what ifs?" and focus on what I do have control over. I focus on doing all I can do to help my body. I am involved in a research study right now for lung issues and see others participants who are on oxygen, homebound, have to use nebulizers often and other things that I do not have to do at this point. I feel grateful for all the blessings of what I can still do and not what I cannot and all the people that are helping me achieve this.
While I live on the edge, each day is truly a blessing and could be so different or not at all.