I get asked frequently, "So...how are you doing/feeling?" This seemingly "easy" question always makes my voice catch in my throat for a bit. It's so complex that I don't even know the answer completely. Most days I can trick myself into thinking I'm doing well and that I'm a healthy-ish person. I work part-time, I work out (even running stairs at the park the other day for a challenge and starting an intro silks and strength building aerial arts class soon), I go to a few concerts/yoga events/etc. I traveled (successfully) to Boston and Rhode Island recently (without an ER trip). I keep pushing myself to see what will happen.
Life is wonderful in so many ways but there's always that lump in my throat knowing it could change at any time. Lately the answer I have come up with is, "Pretty good...I'm stable". But that's not really accurate at all. Most of the time I feel "stable" but that's far from the truth. Recent doctors appointments reminded me and confirmed that I still live with a life-threatening hole in my chest (bronchopleural fistula) and some of the medicines I'm on are starting to affect some of my blood counts. The hole shouldn't be
there and it exposes me to things every day, that could easily kill me. (Bronchopleural fistulas normally can have high mortality rates.) And mine cannot be treated right now. I
wake up every day and assess my body and how I feel to see if this is a
day that everything could fall part again. I try not to let the fear
interfere too much and focus on the life I have to live. I also work at a hospital which is probably one of the worst places I could work. It
exposes me to all kinds of germs, but it's a risk I'm willing to take
for a job I adore and I take extra precautions.
I should probably start saying something Iike, "I'm stable-for today or
for this hour" (and let's hope it stays that way for a long time).
Grateful for my many blessings,