Two Worlds Colliding

For me, surviving cancer at this point is an odd mixture of thoughts. Sometimes, the fact of surviving three times gives me a false sense of invincibility-that things are right with the world, I've come this far (almost 4 years of what we think is no sign of the big C), I've been close to death and back at least a couple times, what more bad could happen? Yet, I know that most likely, logically, not so fun things will most likely be part of my future-long term side effects, relapse(s), secondary cancers, heart problems perhaps, who really knows, right?

On the flip side, there is the cancer memories and experiences that scream out-well, you had it 3 times, what about that 4th time? Isn't that just on the horizon? My body and mind try to prepare for that even when I do not. It sees the past and knows what happened and there is probably, medically, a good possibility that it could happen again, although we all hope not of course.

So, depending on the day and my mood, my thoughts will linger and bounce in a sequence of such thoughts-gratefulness for today and ready to face tomorrow, whatever that might bring.

Today, I am grateful for: babysitting my nephew last night-so fun!, it's Thursday :)!! (which is like Friday in my school schedule), the weather's getting nicer, family, friends and God.



Lindsay said...

Mmmm yeah it is scary. You never feel safe again. I guess one way you can look at it is, the longer you go with no relapses, the longer you give technology the time to come up with new advances. That's what I always think about. <3

Anonymous said...

Hello, Rachel! I came across your story in 2005 on the ABC survivors page. My girlfriend was diagnosed with Ewing's in 2004 at 22. She relapsed in November after 18 months of remission, and things have been kinda crazy ever since. During her rough moments I find myself revisiting your page. To see you thriving is an invaluable source of hope and comfort!

Obsessedwithlife said...

Linds-that's what I've been told too-the longer you live, the more chances for advances!

Skye-Thanks so much for stopping by! Does your sister have a website??


Lori B said...

It can be really hard to not think too far ahead and to stay in "today" and be happy for it. I am happy that you are thriving and your success is a great inspiration for me when I worry about relapse for my daughter. Thanks!

Obsessedwithlife said...

Thanks! I'm happy that my journey is able to help others!

Lindsay said...

thank you! It's going to be a lot of work...hmm