For me, surviving cancer at this point is an odd mixture of thoughts. Sometimes, the fact of surviving three times gives me a false sense of invincibility-that things are right with the world, I've come this far (almost 4 years of what we think is no sign of the big C), I've been close to death and back at least a couple times, what more bad could happen? Yet, I know that most likely, logically, not so fun things will most likely be part of my future-long term side effects, relapse(s), secondary cancers, heart problems perhaps, who really knows, right?
On the flip side, there is the cancer memories and experiences that scream out-well, you had it 3 times, what about that 4th time? Isn't that just on the horizon? My body and mind try to prepare for that even when I do not. It sees the past and knows what happened and there is probably, medically, a good possibility that it could happen again, although we all hope not of course.
So, depending on the day and my mood, my thoughts will linger and bounce in a sequence of such thoughts-gratefulness for today and ready to face tomorrow, whatever that might bring.
Today, I am grateful for: babysitting my nephew last night-so fun!, it's Thursday :)!! (which is like Friday in my school schedule), the weather's getting nicer, family, friends and God.