Not sure how I didn't blog about it...

But yesterday was obviously November 29th...6 years since we thought I had weeks to live!

Read more about it from last year's blog post here.

Today, I am grateful for an amazing family, friends, God and life!

Rachel

Missing

Isn't it interesting how sometimes you do not realize how much you miss someone until you see them? It's like you are going through your days and you know you miss them but not realizing the extent of it. Then, you finally see them and spend time with them and have an Aha! moment. Or sometimes you just have to keep going until you can see them again and sometimes you do not even know when that will be.



There is also the kind of missing where you miss people who have passed away and that you cannot do anything about. That is a different kind of missing because you know, in this life, you will not see them ever again, no matter what you do, and that hurts like nothing else. You can trust in heaven.



Such is life...


Can miles truly separate you from friends....

If you want to be with someone you love,

aren't you already there?

~Richard Bach

Today, I am grateful: for a wonderful birthday for a dear friend and holiday party tonight with one of my 2nd families growing up, running in Crate and Barrel, friends, family and God.

Rachel

Mercy By Jodi Picoult

I apologize if this is unorganized or if something does not make sense, I really don't feel that great... I think I have a cold or something. ugh...Wish I could sleep, have an exam in a couple hours...Just got to get through until the big project due on Thursday, and then the beginning of next week...

I just returned, Mercy by Jodi Picoult, to the library. It was a nice break/distraction to all the work I've been doing the past week. I wanted to keep reading, as I do with most of Jodi's books-by far one of my favorite authors! (If you haven't read anything of hers, I HIGHLY recommend it...)

Anyways, the synospis from her website says:

What would you do for someone you love? Would you lie? Would you leave? Would you kill? These are just some of the questions confronting the characters in Mercy, which follows the path of two cousins driven to extremes by the power of love.

Cameron MacDonald has spent his life guided by duty. As the police chief of a small Massachusetts town that has been home to generations of his Scottish clan, he is bound to the town's residents by blood and honor. Yet when his cousin Jamie arrives at the police station with the body of his wife and the bald confession that he's killed her, Cam immediately places him under arrest.

The situation isn't as clear to Cam's wife, Allie. While she is devoted to her husband, she finds herself siding against Cam, seduced by the picture James paints of a man so in love with a woman that he'd grant all her wishes…even the one that meant taking her life.

Into this charged atmosphere drifts Mia, a new assistant at Allie's floral shop, for whom Cam feels an instant and inexplicable attraction. While he aids the prosecution in preparing the case against Jamie, who killed his terminally ill wife out of mercy, Cam finds himself betraying his own wife.

Woven tight with passion and a fast-paced plot, Mercy explores some of today's most highly charged emotional and ethical issues as it draws toward its stunning conclusion. When you love someone, where do you cross the line of moral obligation? And how can you commonly define love and devotion to begin with?

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The book raised interesting questions...Jamie's wife had advanced breast cancer that was causing blindness and couldn't deal with it. Even at my worst when I was suffering a ton, I never really wished to die so it was hard for me to see this, but interesting to read anyways because I know people act differently in different situations. I have always been intrigued by trying to see things in the eyes of others.

I recommend the book but was somewhat disappointed in how it ended a bit mildly.

If you've read it, let me know what you think. If not, read it and tell me :). Thanks!

Today, I am grateful for: life, being able to hopefully get through the school day, books, family and friends.

Love,

Rachel

November 29th

How appropriate that I gave a presentation on this date of all days on sarcoma?

I cannot believe it is November Twenty-ninth-again...already... Wow. It is, of course, a very awe-inspiring thing, but it still brings back a lot of thoughts and memories. It nearly knocks the breathe out of me, thinking about what happened on this date, 5 years ago (has it really been that long!?!) and the days after it.

The year that changed everything (again), 2002, it fell on the day after Thanksgiving. I had gone through MRIs on Wednesday of that week. Ironically, the day I went in I was only supposed to get them done on my hips and leg and that morning I had a strange feeling in my right arm pit, like I had years before. My Dr. added MRIs of my back into the mix at the last minute.

We all waited anxiously on Friday for the results, having nervously hosted and enjoyed Thanksgiving as a family, to distract our minds and pass the time. Well, then the call came, that no one wants to get, especially with a history like mine, the cancer was back-a third time. This time the worst of all-nestled between some of my most vital organs- my heart, lung, spine and pulmonary artery (somewhat scarily similar to the photo above, which I ironically found on the first page when I typed in 'bad news' for a photo search-kinda gives me goosebumps...).

At some point, we sat down with my amazing doctor to discuss everything. It came down to my body still being weak from transplant, most likely surgery would cause more harm than good (or likely death at this point), I had maxed out on chemo and radiation. And bottom line was, as I learned later on (if you go by statistics, which apparently I do not), NO ONE in the world had ever survived a relapse of my cancer after a stem cell transplant-they had lived a few weeks at most. It just did not happen. (Doctors-"world renowned doctors"-around the world told my doctor to essentially put me on hospice and give up, which he never did either of them.)

I remember asking Dr. Bob how long I had. He said he could not say for sure-a few months? It depended which way the tumor decided to grow first (Askin's tumors usually grow really aggressively).

At that time, it was not like in the movies for me-I did not want to skydive, I did not want to do all that crazy stuff. I wanted family and friends and time. I wanted somehow to leave myself behind but how do you do that? I wrote stuff, I did art, I made up a "If I Die" binder that no one knew about.

But most of all I lived-I really lived life, as they say "to the fullest". I traveled 10 places that December to see family and friends and loved all of it. I looked at the sky and everything around me as if it was the last time and breathed it all in with much thankfulness. Every day was a gift, and still is and I continue to do some of this today.

I know, medically, I'm not supposed to be here. Statistically, I'm the only person EVER to survive the way I did. It's an overwhelming and amazing feeling.

It makes me realize I am here for a reason, or more than one reason. That God has plans for me. I try to use my experience to help others-sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail but I really do try my best. I'm still figuring out every day why I am still here and I love the challenge. I love the living part.

Today, I am thankful for: my life, having 1 huge project, 1 small project and 2 exams between me and a nice break that is much needed to heal my rundown body, family, friends and God!

Much LOVE,
Rachel