Survivor Guilt

Survivor Guilt: condition that occurs when a person perceives themselves to have done wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not... -Livestrong.com

As another close friend passed away last week after a long 12 year stint with sarcoma, it reminded me of a topic that I have been asked about fairly often...do I have "survivor guilt" and how do I deal with it?

I definitely miss many friends from over the last 17 years that have come and gone.  I keep a mirror with little built-in frames around it with all of their pictures.  It's getting cramped and I really hate adding pictures.  I try not to look at it too much.  Some days have more hard parts than others.  Or other times a song will come on that reminds me and I get goosebumps or a tear in my eye.  A lot of times it makes me smile though like they are saying "hi" and I remember beautiful memories and smiles.  

My life is better because of all of them-absolutely.  That's why I don't shy away from people who aren't doing well.  If anything I am more drawn to being there for them when others may not.  Death doesn't scare me.  I've come so close so many times.  Of course death can really suck but sometimes sickness and death are more comfortable topics for me than many others.  They are the realness and reality of life-especially my life.  It's why I offered and led a grief and loss group at my previous job and was the go-to for presentations around these subjects in graduate school.  It's something I will be around often at my new job.

I certainly do not understand why I am still here when many of my friends are not but I don't feel "survivor guilt" for the most part.  How I deal with it is trying my best to live my life in all of my friends' and family's honor.  To do things they could not do.  To help others in their memory and keep persevering-because that is what they would want. While missing my friend's out of town memorial service in a couple weeks hurts, I know she would want me to work at my new job and help others.  As another friend told me in her last couple days over her oxygen mask, "Rachel-you must keep fighting here on Earth and I'll keep fighting in heaven".  I try my best to keep my promise to her...

------------

On that note, I am ready for a new year too.  New job, new opportunities and hopefully upwards and onwards with health and everything.  There is lots to be grateful for!

R

Quote for Jenny

Because life is a living, breathing work of art, you are a painting as you go. Be a masterpiece. Drink in life. Laugh too loud. Compliment others constantly.
—Nicole Johnson author, performer, motivational speaker

In honor of my friend Jenny who passed away last week from a cancer very similar to mine...this quote reminds me of her. She was truly amazing and lived life SO fully. There is much to be learned from her. She did so much in her 23 years... Love you, my friend.

Today, I am grateful for Jenny's friendship, my friends, family and God.

Rach

Grandma

Rest in Peace, Grandma. You were loved by many and I don't know anyone who didn't love you. Honestly, if there was ever a person who I never heard complain or say anything bad about others, it was you. And you had many things in your life to complain about like losing your husband when you were 53 and before that, dealing with a sick husband and raising 5 kids. You are my hero. Strong in your faith and spirit and quiet in your ways.

I am grateful for your life and the blessings it bestowed on so many.

Love,
Rachel

A Different Spring Break

I was to start my new job, have a friend come in town, and a big to-do list. But...life happens.

I was at my new job for about 2 hours on Tuesday when my husband called me and said that his grandpa (who had gone through emergency quadruple bypass surgery the day before) was not doing well at all. That they had also found a virus around his heart when they did the surgery and his organs were failing.

We both raced home, packed up the car and raced west a couple hours to where he was in the ICU. On the drive, we learned we would not make it in time-he had passed away.

It's been a shock to everyone. He was 73 and had great health before this and his parents had lived to be very old (one is still living in fact).

My husband was very close to his grandpa and they shared a love of fishing, amongst other things.

I actually knew his grandparents before I knew him. So, it's really a great loss for all. He and Gabe's grandma had been married for 53 years-true soulmates and a wonderful example of an amazing marriage. He will be truly missed. He was an amazing man.

Thank you for your kind words and prayers.

Today, I am grateful for having known his grandpa, family, friends and God.

Rachel

Gabe's Poem-I Saw God Today

My husband wrote an amazing poem about the passing of our niece, Sydne...

I Saw God Today by Gabe Lozano

My prayers are being said
There’s singing in my head
A distant voice
But it’s not mine
It’s a friend's cry to the Lord

I saw God today
A mother's gentle hand
Her daughter's right beside
His hand is well in control

I saw God today
The face of a child
Selfless intentions
A moment independent of time

It’s her hand I see
An image I know
But time ticks again
My heart knows she's no longer here

Tears stain my face
Body overwhelmed
This time it's my cry to the Lord

His voice I hear
"I gave them a Gift,
A moment of perfection"
These words from God are so clear
Now, peacefulness
A feeling I know

It's a moment of grace
A perfect Gift indeed
Because Sydne saw God today

Can't Get This Out of my Head...

(follow-up to last post)

Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

Today, Today, Today
Today, Today, Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday

Someday, Someday

Sweet Sydne Isabelle

Our niece, Sydne Isabelle, was born- and also went to heaven-today. We all got to hold her and she is BEAUTIFUL.

Please keep her parents, big sister and our family in your prayers in the days, months, years ahead.

It has been a very surreal, difficult day.

Thank you for God and heaven.

Rachel

I Miss My Friends

This weekend I have been thinking heavily of my friends-especially those who have passed away. I just can't get them off my mind and think of all the amazing things that they did with or for me sometime before they died. It just hurts-a lot. I have lost probably over 20 friends-I've lost count (over the past 10 years) and my beloved grandfather when I was younger.

It was triggered by going to the Friends of Kids with Cancer fashion show. Then, I ran into my friend, A's mom there. She asked how I was doing and was teary-eyed. I told her how I thought of A often and she said-I know, you were really special to him. A was a very close friend who died last August. He had a bone marrow transplant the same summer I did and had to take college off that fall. We both were in the fashion show as models and that is where we met. We hung out some that fall and then he went back to college in the spring and played soccer-how? I am not quite sure to this day!

We stayed close-talking often on the phone, seeing each other when he was in town, I tried visiting him at school once but the weather didn't allow for it. Anyways, he went on and was healthy-living life-graduated college, got some 'real jobs', even got married and had 2 kids. Meanwhile, I was fighting for my life and he was one of my main cheerleaders. He, along with my family, doctor, and a few friends were the ONLY people who I know truly saw hope for me. Some people took the news that I was going to die very soon and treated me as such. 'A' told me he knew I was going to make it and live and I believed him. He gave me some great advice on some guys from my past, was there for me when other friends died and always invited me to stuff he was doing-Relay for Life walks, parties his family had, going out with his friends or going to his sons' t-ball games. Truly just a huge heart.

The irony in this story is, of course, just as I was becoming a living miracle, 'A' (after 5 amazing years of remission) relapsed-badly. The tables had turned horribly. As he was getting worse, he encouraged me to come to one of his son's t-ball games, that he was coaching. I was so thankful that me and a friend made it out that day to see the game. Then we got to see his house for the first time and hang out with his family. It was incredibly special. It also happened to be that later that day Gabe proposed to me and we got engaged.

It was also the last day I saw A alive. Soon after he died and it still stings.

The pain of all my friends and family that have died is very strong some times. Other times it somehow goes into the background of life-but never very far. It only takes driving by my one friend's former high schools or seeing Pokeman figures to remind me of them. And I'll admit, there are many, many times when I am struggling with something-pain, stress, etc. and I ask God and them for help.

Today, I am grateful that the weekend was filled with friends, great food, laughter, noise, a wonderful fall break, love, family, hubs and God.

Rach

Rest in Peace, Jason

My friend Jason, who I mentioned a couple weeks ago who wasn't doing very well, passed away today. I was extremely sad to hear this and somewhat surprised. He was SUCH a fighter and even 3 weeks ago when we saw him, he was getting quite weak, was somewhat scared about the future but still so positive and hopeful.

Please keep his family and friends in your prayers. That makes another person in heaven that I know-too many in fact. One of my other close deceased friend's anniversary of passing away is tomorrow (it was 3 years ago and I visited her in her hospital room the day she died). It's strange-I always seem to see the people I'm close to the day they die or within a couple weeks of it. I guess it helps some, but it's still hard of course.

Today, I am grateful for the time I did get to spend with these friends, for opportunities to live on in their memory and make a difference, faith, God, heaven, love, friends, family.

R

A Sad Loss

Randy Pausch, who I have written about in the past, has passed away from complications of pancreatic cancer. He truly was an amazing example of living life to the fullest for all of us and was able to touch millions of lives. His Last Lecture video can be found here. If you have not seen it yet, I highly recommend it. He also wrote a book, titled The Last Lecture, which is on my 'wish list'.

There's also a nice article on the Carnegie Mellon University website, where he was a professor.

I will leave you with the quote from Randy that I put on the blog before (I think it is worth repeating):

"I've never understood pity and self-pity as an emotion. We have a finite amount of time. Whether short or long, it doesn't matter. Life is to be lived."

-Randy Pausch

May God watch over him and his family and friends.

Personal health update: I am slowly beginning to feel better and not going to Ohio was a wise decision. Thanks for the emails, prayers, calls, etc!

Today, I am grateful for the ability to rest and get better, for my husband, family, friends and God.

Rach

Quick Update

So this week is off to a rocky start and this update will be brief...my energy is quite low right now.

We found out that my cousin passed away who was 34 (who I really haven't seen much over the years). It was sudden and I'm still not sure if they know why. They thought he was sleeping and he wasn't. I feel very sad for my uncle-this is the 2nd child that he's lost (the other was only 24 when she died).

I have a pretty bad cold that I'm still fighting.

My stomach is having issues-the doctors are running some tests to see if I maybe picked up something in Mexico.

And lastly, obviously I will not be attending the LiveStrong Summit in Ohio this weekend. Which, with everything going on, is kind of a relief. While last time was a wonderful, inspirational time, I would not have been able to enjoy it even if I had pushed myself to go (which I'm not sure is even possible).

Thanks in advance for your prayers and support. I hope to be back to a 'stronger me' quite soon.

Today, I am grateful for: doctors and nurses that care and check on me, for a husband, family and friends to lean on and for God's graces.

Rachel

RIP Curtis

My family found out Saturday night that my dad's college roommate died of a sudden heart attack. Because he lived out of town, I only met him once but I have very fond memories of spending time with him and his wife. My parents have always had very wonderful stories about Curtis and talked of him fairly frequently. A very sad part was Curtis was really excited about traveling in for my wedding...which is only a month away. I am really sad for my dad who has now lost 2 close friends to heart attacks.

My dad had a great idea-he made a voice recording of Curtis memories for his wife.

Cheers for Curtis' place in my parents life!

Today, I am grateful for life, friends, family and God.

Rach

Moments of Life

Yesterday marked 6 years since I got that call. The call that something very serious had happened to someone's sister who is very dear to me. Her mother had found out on the news, my friend had been pulled out of something at school to be told-her only sibling, her sister, had died on impact in a small plane crash. I immediately moved into her house for the next few days. (RIP AMY!!!)

It was something that, obviously, was life-changing. It ended up making us closer over the years-we both had felt some very raw things in our somewhat young lives and would never be the same. She stayed intown for college while most of my friends went away and I stayed home because I was forced to medically in order to recover from my stem cell transplant. She included me in all of her events and really made it bearable-I got a wonderful taste of what college was like. We've been through so many ups and downs together and I could not imagine it any different.

To think of all that has happened and brought us to this point is truly amazing-she is one of my bridesmaids and is now engaged herself.

We had another phone call last night. She asked me a very important question on her sister's anniversary of passing away-Will you be my Maid of Honor? Of course I said Yes and once again was weeping-but this time with much joy and honor.

Today, I am grateful for: registering for fall classes, friends, family, God and God's plan for each of us, even when it doesn't go how we think it might.

Rachel

Death

Death is always an interesting thing. It's been overshadowing my fiance and I's life the past few days. One of our groomsman's (for our wedding) dad passed away very suddenly this week. It is hard to understand why it happened and has left everyone extremely distraught. I did not know his dad very well at all-maybe met him once or twice but I'm so sad for our friend, for his family. It was so unexpected and it has left everyone with more questions than answers.

There is nothing you can say that will make him come back. You can only be there to listen, to hug and to pray. Life will go on but it will never be the same for his family.

I believe it is all part of God's plan but it does not make it any easier or make it so that we understand it-not even a little bit.

Today, I am grateful for: family, friends, God.

Rach

Holly Young

Watching the bats in Austin- Gabe, me, Holly

I still remember when my fiance, Gabe, and I first met Ms. Holly. We were riding on a shuttle bus from the airport to the LiveStrong Summit conference that everyone on the shuttle had been chosen to attend. Gabe and I are chatting in our seat and I overheard this gorgeous young lady in front of me trying to make conversation with a lady next to her. Originally, all I heard was, "Yeah, I have Ewing's Sarcoma-it's a really rare type of cancer." I knew I had to talk to her-that's the same cancer family as mine (Askin's tumor). On our way out of the bus, I caught her attention and told her. She was 20, from Massachusetts and did not know a soul at the conference and was so sharp, witty, fascinating and inspiring.

From that point forward, anytime we were not in meetings, Holly, Gabe and I were quite the trio. We had meals together, watched the World Series, and we even took Holly along with us to visit with my cousin and have food and watch the 'famous bats' in Austin. We joked that she would be perfect for my brother who is around the same age.

Since then we have kept in touch and even talked about visiting one another. We had hoped she would make it this down this summer for our wedding. I vaguely knew she had relapsed last fall-she was SO good at being upbeat in her emails and not wanting to put that burden on anyone, she rarely mentioned it. I guess I should have figured something was up when a few weeks ago, I did not hear back from her. I never really knew her friends and family so I did not know what had happened.


I found out today via a friend's blog of her passing. I was stunned-she is the last person one would expect not to make it...a college volleyball player-so vivacious and strong...another amazing friend of mine...not here anymore. It's hard to make sense of it and it's somewhat surreal. But I always come back to the fact that I feel peaceful about death (sometimes) and that her short time here affected SO many people...volleyball teams from colleges around the country rallied around her...her family has been fighting to figure out why Holly was part of a cancer cluster in their community-a much elevated rate of sarcoma in kids and young adults.


Her smile, her attitude about life, everything about her will live on in all of us who knew her and even those who did not. I will be adding another amazing person to my angel shelf.


Click here for an awesome post by Heidi Adams, written about death.

Click here for more about Holly.


Today, I am grateful for: Holly's life and friendship and inspiration, life, friends, family and God.

Love,
Rachel

Winner!! and The Bucket List

First, just an update, The Liddy Shriver Sarcoma Initiative (unofficially) won a total of $13,000 in prizes in the Facebook Giving Challenge, bringing the total of funds raised for sarcoma research to $30,780 in one month! The official results will be announced late this month. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! This will help SO much!

Second, I wanted to talk a little about The Bucket List movie. I thought it definitely had its positive points and a few downsides but don't most movies, I guess? Overall I was pleased. I am usually pleased with movies with Morgan Freeman, possibly my favorite actor. Jack Nicholson and Morgan played off each other very well as the main two characters, each coming from very different lives.

The synoposis is:

A long time ago, Carter Chambers' philosophy professor suggested that his students compose a "bucket list," a collection of all the things they wanted to do, see and experience in life before they kicked the bucket. But while Carter was trying to define his private dreams and plans, reality intruded. Marriage, children, myriad responsibilities and, ultimately, a 46-year job as an auto mechanic turned his concept of a bucket list into little more than a bittersweet memory of lost opportunities and a mental exercise he occasionally thought about to pass the time. Meanwhile, corporate billionaire Edward Cole never saw a list without a bottom line. He was always too busy making money and building an empire to think about what his deeper needs might be beyond the next big acquisition or cup of gourmet coffee. Then life delivered an urgent and unexpected wake-up call to both of them. Carter and Edward found themselves sharing a hospital room with plenty of time to think about what might happen next--and about how much of that was in their hands. For all their apparent differences, they discovered they had two very important things in common: an unrealized need to come to terms with who they were and the choices they'd made, and a pressing desire to spend the time they had left doing everything they ever wanted to do. So, against doctor's orders and all good sense, these two virtual strangers check themselves out of the hospital and hit the road together for the adventure of a lifetime--from the Taj Mahal to the Serengeti, the finest restaurants to the seediest tattoo parlors, the cockpit of vintage race cars to the open door of a prop plane--with just a sheet of paper and their passion for life to guide them. Adding and crossing items off their list while taking in the grandeur and beauty of the world, they grapple with the difficult questions and the even more difficult answers that plague all of us. And, without even realizing it, become true friends.

I think that it was sad and probably unrealistic that Carter (Freeman) spent most of his last months with someone that was essentially a stranger. But that is what makes a movie be a movie-not always intended to be completely truthful and very rarely is. When I was supposed to die (by medical standards) all I wanted was time with family and friends and yes, I traveled quite a bit, but it was to visit those people and most of the places weren't very 'glamourous'! True, they were glamourous because of the people and experiences but it wasn't because of a specific place.

Overall, I recommend the movie-it was mostly a feel good movie that made you think a bit about all our lives, which is a good thing!

Today, I am grateful for: peacefulness in my life, a splendid morning with Gabe and my pastor, a nice day ahead and for family, friends and God!

Rach

Things Found out After the Fact

The other day I was recalling a conversation I had with a friend a few months ago. It went something like this:

Friend: "Do you remember that one guy who hung out with my group of friends from that other school?"

Me: "Yeah, I think so."

Friends: "Well, somehow I was saying something about you recently and he remembered meeting you a couple times...maybe when you were sick or something...anyways, he thought you had died!"

At this point, I think I actually laughed. I knew people I did not know that well or people I went to high school with that I never talked to again may had assumed this over the years if they never heard about or saw me again. It was strangely funny to me. I was supposed to die and well, I did not-it is funny and wonderful at the same time.

Today, I am grateful for: a massage!, friends, family, going out with old friends from the 'cancer world' tonight

Love,

Rach

Missing

Isn't it interesting how sometimes you do not realize how much you miss someone until you see them? It's like you are going through your days and you know you miss them but not realizing the extent of it. Then, you finally see them and spend time with them and have an Aha! moment. Or sometimes you just have to keep going until you can see them again and sometimes you do not even know when that will be.



There is also the kind of missing where you miss people who have passed away and that you cannot do anything about. That is a different kind of missing because you know, in this life, you will not see them ever again, no matter what you do, and that hurts like nothing else. You can trust in heaven.



Such is life...


Can miles truly separate you from friends....

If you want to be with someone you love,

aren't you already there?

~Richard Bach

Today, I am grateful: for a wonderful birthday for a dear friend and holiday party tonight with one of my 2nd families growing up, running in Crate and Barrel, friends, family and God.

Rachel

Mercy By Jodi Picoult

I apologize if this is unorganized or if something does not make sense, I really don't feel that great... I think I have a cold or something. ugh...Wish I could sleep, have an exam in a couple hours...Just got to get through until the big project due on Thursday, and then the beginning of next week...

I just returned, Mercy by Jodi Picoult, to the library. It was a nice break/distraction to all the work I've been doing the past week. I wanted to keep reading, as I do with most of Jodi's books-by far one of my favorite authors! (If you haven't read anything of hers, I HIGHLY recommend it...)

Anyways, the synospis from her website says:

What would you do for someone you love? Would you lie? Would you leave? Would you kill? These are just some of the questions confronting the characters in Mercy, which follows the path of two cousins driven to extremes by the power of love.

Cameron MacDonald has spent his life guided by duty. As the police chief of a small Massachusetts town that has been home to generations of his Scottish clan, he is bound to the town's residents by blood and honor. Yet when his cousin Jamie arrives at the police station with the body of his wife and the bald confession that he's killed her, Cam immediately places him under arrest.

The situation isn't as clear to Cam's wife, Allie. While she is devoted to her husband, she finds herself siding against Cam, seduced by the picture James paints of a man so in love with a woman that he'd grant all her wishes…even the one that meant taking her life.

Into this charged atmosphere drifts Mia, a new assistant at Allie's floral shop, for whom Cam feels an instant and inexplicable attraction. While he aids the prosecution in preparing the case against Jamie, who killed his terminally ill wife out of mercy, Cam finds himself betraying his own wife.

Woven tight with passion and a fast-paced plot, Mercy explores some of today's most highly charged emotional and ethical issues as it draws toward its stunning conclusion. When you love someone, where do you cross the line of moral obligation? And how can you commonly define love and devotion to begin with?

-----------

The book raised interesting questions...Jamie's wife had advanced breast cancer that was causing blindness and couldn't deal with it. Even at my worst when I was suffering a ton, I never really wished to die so it was hard for me to see this, but interesting to read anyways because I know people act differently in different situations. I have always been intrigued by trying to see things in the eyes of others.

I recommend the book but was somewhat disappointed in how it ended a bit mildly.

If you've read it, let me know what you think. If not, read it and tell me :). Thanks!

Today, I am grateful for: life, being able to hopefully get through the school day, books, family and friends.

Love,

Rachel

Thanksgiving Past

To be honest, Thanksgiving (and the days around it) and I do not have the best history.

It started when I was quite young (maybe 4 or 5). On Thanksgiving, I was playing in the basement around my dad's workbench area and picked up this old sharp knife with a bright red handle. Well it slipped and went into my wrist. The company was coming soon and everyone was rushing around. At first I thought I'd get in trouble and then decided to tell my parents. I probably should have gotten stitches (it was pretty deep) but my dad, being in the medical field, thought he might stitch it up himself. But I think my mom vetoed that and instead, we did butterfly bandages and I, obviously, lived.

A few years later, my beloved grandfather, one of my favorite people, died in front of my family. It had been anticipated for awhile (he had been battling asbestos-induced lung cancer for the past year). He was peacefully sleeping and then just stopped breathing while the whole family was there for Thanksgiving. It was nice everyone was there but hard at the same time. Something I will never forget, of course. Ironically, that years later, I also got cancer (not the same kind or anything) but he was the only person I knew up until that point that had had cancer. I thought of him often when I was going through my own stuff and how brave and strong he was-he truly never thought he would die from the cancer and I guess that is the attitude I adapted too. He'd go play golf when he could and demanded that he not be in the hospital.

Another year, when I was probably about 11 or 12, was a little less significant but still affecting me enough to remember, was when I innocently opened a door. This turned into my younger cousin, who was running around corner at full blast, gashing his head open on the door and needing to go to the ER in an ice storm. Thankfully he was ok.

Now, for the one that happened the most recently and is up there with my grandpa passing away. On the day after Thanksgiving of 2002, as many of you know, I found out I had relapsed a second time (a new tumor between my heart, lung and spine). Based on all the other cases of Askin's Tumor relapses after a stem cell transplant and the shape my body was in (which was very weak and beat up from the first 2 times with cancer, to say the least), it was thought that I had weeks to live.

Fast forward to now and obviously, once again, I am still alive and SO thankful. It's given me a new thankfulness for Thanksgiving and it's finally starting to grow on me with bittersweet emotions. Starting in 2003, knock on wood, my Thanksgivings have been great and uneventful. I still feel a bit hesitant (my body's been hurting more than usual lately, etc) around this holiday but I try to embrace it as much as I can!

I didn't mean for this to get so introspective and long but these are some of the thoughts and emotions that come along with this time of year for me, which I'll probably extrapolate on more in the future.


Today, I am truly thankful for: living this long, family, friends, faith, prayers and God!


Love,
Rachel